My Mother's Habits {Facebook Deactivation - Day 30}

There are effortless routines and patterns
From my mother
Embedded deep into my memory
Flashes which produce a mixture
Of longing, warmth, ...and guilt
That I remember well
And struggle desperately to imitate

How strange to acknowledge the damage
Of a distraction I entertained
Who along with my natural weakness, stole my ability
To emulate that which was sown deep
And once yielded much contentment

Did we ever think we'd battle distraction
To this magnitude?
There was once caution against the amount
Of advertisements children saw in commercials
Billboards and radio announcements

But those voices pale in comparison
To what we and our children are encouraged to digest and balance now

I'm grappling all the time
With time
This fleeting yet stretching and pliable thing
Given to me to use at my will
In the face of new technologies,
Sometimes the responsibility feels impossible!
A healthy balance always just beyond my reach

For now, I've had to disconnect
But with more disconnection
Comes re-connection to my roots
I'm clawing my way back to mom's habits
That I lived and enjoyed so long ago

To engage with life
Without interruption
The recreation, the resting
The working and creating
The in-between times

The clear space in my head
Long cluttered with matters and events
I could do nothing about

Replaced with space and stillness
Without compulsory interruption

A space to breathe, to be at peace
Sitting with my God, my husband, my children, my friends
My self
Something my mama
Did so well

Facebook deactivation: day 5

To me he said mama
Tap tap tap
Mama
In distraction I shooed
Another tap, oh, yes?
Mama, come play
Feigned busyness responds
Oh soon, not just yet
Run along
I'll be along soon

To me he said mama
As I sit stoically staring
I turned to look him
Quietly in the eyes
Yes?
Mama, come play
Deep into browns I pondered
My answer
No I said softly
He turned away

Would this gut wrenching scene
Be false
But is played out time and again
Only worse
Against my God
Who asks of me
To sit with Him
And in response
Without distraction
I decline

Today I feel like I'm becoming more aware of my spiritual surroundings.
I also am learning this lesson:
The Lord desires obedience, not sacrifice.
I can sacrifice fb but it still doesn't get to the heart. It's one less huge distraction but it's absence doesn't help me anymore to sit in the presence of God and commune with Him. The only thing that does that is obedience. It's strange to realize  that the heart of the matter is still my heart. Even in the quiet I have to willfully and obediently invite God in.

Spilled Milk

When my mind is fixed fully on Him

With space to allow us, God and I, 

To sit in silence

To pause, to breathe

I find the harder parts of child growing

Cannot weaken my resolve

...But I'm still learning 

See yesterday, the milk spilled.

So I sent daggers from my eyes 

To silence what was left of their joy

Subconscious expectations 

Daily invade my thoughts 

And weigh heavily on us both

Draped-gloom on tiny shoulders 

But He's creating a buffer for them

Around my old heart with His new 

He is stitching space to be

For when my mind and heart and strength are fixed

He supplies

My God supplies all of my needs

Not my children, they are free

It is my God

Come my darlings, 

Move freely around me despite the cup on the table ledge 

Because spilled milk, 

Really isn't so bad.

Pour out the cup that is grace-laced love 

Share in its abundance

For it's what grows the children up strong

It's what grows us up strong too