Be Still

In the dark I sat unmoving
Blinded more from pain than lack of light
I cry out to You God
For reassurance, for guidance
As the realization of what place I'm in
Begins to dawn
I am lost, my navigation pointless
Hope in me, You say
I pause...I know I am desperate
I know there's no other way through or around
I say, ok.
Dread makes a lunge, I try to move out of the way
Stumbling to the window I pull back the curtain
Searching desperately and longing for the tiniest bit of You
Trees bend and sway with impending storm
Clouds dampen what might have been early morning light
What might have been hope in my heart
But I trust You God
Or rather, I'm trying despite-
Slumped, back in my chair
Praying in broken fragments for peace
The air disturbed by cries of a child wanting mama
I'm so weary Lord
I don't have it in me to comfort my girl
Down the stairs I hear her steps
My arms surround her anyway
Another sleepyhead wanders down, another gift from God
Another babe who wakes with the sense
That I am not near
That there's disturbance in our walls
Bundled and surrendered, we three lay quietly under the large blanket on the couch
Deep sigh, I feel a little hand in mine
And then another, even smaller hand wriggles in too
Oh Lord, thank You that right now I'm not alone
I allow my eyes to close in brief respite
Aware of pain still present from tears that burn
I lift my head, exhale an unexpected breath of peace
My worn out eyes adjust
A faint shift has begun in the contrast of shapes and shadows around us
You're here
Despite what obscures our view
If we throw open the curtains, even in the night
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
We will see your goodness
You faithful will remain
Be still my soul

There Is A Fountain Filled With Blood - Thoughts On Suffering

There is a fountain filled with blood....

Suffering is as distasteful to me as this image from a well-known hymn. My sister once told me that all anxiety is rooted in the desire to escape what is uncomfortable. In essence, we cannot cope with the broken reality of ourselves, others, our environment. We seek to escape, desperately trying to regain some sort of false comfort, false security. And in our fruitless efforts, anxiety is born. I find this to be very true of myself.

William Cowper* is the author of the hymn above, and maybe not surprisingly, was a man well acquainted with sorrow, depression, and suicide attempts. A very tortured soul, desperately trying to find and hang on to God despite very tragic and unjust circumstances that plagued his life from the time he was born until the time of his death some seventy years later. His hymn is the only "modern-day" worship song I've come across that leaves the same distasteful feeling as the words of Jesus at the Last Supper when Jesus shockingly told His disciples to eat of His body and drink of His blood. But I think because of Cowper's demons, he understood what a gruesome and shocking reality Christ was calling His disciples to, and was unafraid to go there...hence his rather profound imagery.

It is with great DISCOMFORT that I am realizing that ultimately with Christ we are accepting and diving headlong into that blood-filled fountain, drawn from Emmanuel's veins. A fountain of suffering, overwhelming and deep pain. It makes me sick! My stomach turns at the thought! But every time I try to outrun the discomfort, it finds me. It mocks and then devours me. I will never outrun it and instead the anxiety that I hate grows even stronger.

And sinners plunge beneath that flood

To turn and face head on- no not just face but to EMBRACE suffering as Christ did.... Can I? I am struggling through a very unexpected fifth pregnancy, and for weeks now I've endured fatigue and morning sickness along with scattered thoughts and overwhelmed feelings. Can I stop running, turn and embrace this surprising turn of events? I am fortunate that a baby is the likely outcome of this current struggle..But what about the struggles that do not have such a joyous and likely outcome? An acquaintance of mine but dear mentor to my sister is in her eighties, recently widowed and now facing an horrific surgery to remove portions of her mouth and jaw because cancer is eroding and overtaking what once was healthy and good. Can she trust Him through that pain and fear and doubt and darkness? Can she plunge beneath the flood? Accept and embrace and count it all as joy? Is she expected to?

I spoke with a friend this last Sunday after a worship service that I help facilitate at one of our local retirement homes. My friend has a wheel chair bound son with many health issues who was given a very bleak prognosis at birth and yet is miraculously enjoying his third decade of life. I wondered aloud if she had always been this strong, this resilient, taking him to theme parks and vacations and connecting with many families in the community. She told me that she had struggled with debilitating anxiety, and that a few years ago my mom had told her she needed Jesus and His Word, to turn to Him first to get through the waves of depression and despair. She said that is when her life began to change and she began to live again, which in turn overflowed to her son, and began the amazing adventure they are now living filled with friends and experiences that many 30 year olds today do not have! It left me speechless as I really considered what this woman and her son daily choose to do- the bravery displayed in turning from trying to avoid the pain and reality, (which was more than understandable!) and embracing what was, and then unexpectedly finding joy and hope and life and peace despite their circumstances.

Lose all their guilty stains
Lose all their guilty stains
And sinners plunge beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains

What a picture, a fountain of blood wherein the one who submerges herself in a life drained of it's life-blood, arises, no, RESURRECTS cleaner, whiter, freer than before! It is counter intuitive and horrifying and yet it is what this life in Christ's footsteps beckon us to. There is life unseen beyond death and we are forced to embrace and foreshadow this reality now in this death-trapped world as we call hope and attention to that glorious day when all will be made right but also as proof that His Kingdom has in fact now come, that there is life to be had after death HERE.

So many places in my life I run from suffering, big and small. Can I stop and turn, embrace the cross before me? Christ-like in my trust that suffering will yield obedience and obedience will yield freedom from well-worn worry and result in life? At the very least it will yield greater capacity to handle the trivial annoyances and interruptions of my day to day that unhinge and frustrate me. A change of perspective, a change of direction. A full submersion and acceptance in the fountain of Christ before me.

1. God Moves In A Mysterious Way
   by William Cowper
   
   
   God moves in a mysterious way
   His wonders to perform;
   He plants His footsteps in the sea
   And rides upon the storm.
2. Deep in unfathomable mines
   Of never failing skill
   He treasures up His bright designs
   And works His sov’reign will.
3. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
   The clouds ye so much dread
   Are big with mercy and shall break
   In blessings on your head.
4. Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
   But trust Him for His grace;
   Behind a frowning providence
   He hides a smiling face.
5. His purposes will ripen fast,
   Unfolding every hour;
   The bud may have a bitter taste,
   But sweet will be the flow’r.
6. Blind unbelief is sure to err
   And scan His work in vain;
   God is His own interpreter,
   And He will make it plain.
   
   
   *For an excellent read on more of William Cowper's life, check out this article by John Piper Insanity and Spiritual Songs in the Soul of a Saint

Spilled Milk

When my mind is fixed fully on Him

With space to allow us, God and I, 

To sit in silence

To pause, to breathe

I find the harder parts of child growing

Cannot weaken my resolve

...But I'm still learning 

See yesterday, the milk spilled.

So I sent daggers from my eyes 

To silence what was left of their joy

Subconscious expectations 

Daily invade my thoughts 

And weigh heavily on us both

Draped-gloom on tiny shoulders 

But He's creating a buffer for them

Around my old heart with His new 

He is stitching space to be

For when my mind and heart and strength are fixed

He supplies

My God supplies all of my needs

Not my children, they are free

It is my God

Come my darlings, 

Move freely around me despite the cup on the table ledge 

Because spilled milk, 

Really isn't so bad.

Pour out the cup that is grace-laced love 

Share in its abundance

For it's what grows the children up strong

It's what grows us up strong too

If We Never Call On Grace

If we never call on grace

To pool in opened wounds

To run down open hands

To fill up wearied eyes

And patch up broken hearts

Grace for self

Grace for others

Grace for the way we see ourselves

And the way you see us

And the way we see you

If we never call on grace

We are a bleeding mess

You say disgusting

Yes, sometimes I am

I have never claimed to be more or less

Then a bloody mess

Did spewing shame satisfy? 

More words 

Will not stop the blood from draining from my face

Won't help the blood rushing to yours

Sometimes I don't know where to go from here

The impossible way forward

Grace for you

From me

From Him

To stop up your mouth and plug my ears 

While my eyes still see

And my hands still stretch

In grace 

And there's enough for us both

And I am trying

...'Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things'

Grace by U2

http://youtu.be/n4QvtXqNq0Y

Awaken

Shut

Tight
Eye lids crunch
Hurt arms clutch
Shame

Shapes

Move
Beneath the lids
Beyond in shadows
Dim

Bump

Crash

They hurt and yet
They stumble blinded
Too

Cry 

Out
Try to squint
Eyes yell quit
Death

Light 

Streams 
Redemptive work

This seeing hurts

Grace

Abrasive
Blinding

Glaring

Jarring

More
Pain 

Tempers raise 

While light reclaims

Dark

Re-
Focus. 

Colors
Flood
Sharpened pain
And joy; Sustained
Love

Brave
Lens
Meets the gaze
Of the todays
Hope

Light
Spills 
And light reflects

Light reflects
Life 

Awake

I Will Give Thanks

November 9, 2014

I feel compelled to share this with you all, as I am so thankful that God has preserved our youngest daughter again.

Ember has had difficulty with swallowing and choking since she was born. Tonight during dinner, it happened again. There has only been one other time it was this severe, over a year ago, and both times I cried out to God for help and both times He heard my cry. In the blink of an eye, during the quiet mundane moments of life, everything can change. I am so thankful we have her still, and that she is sleeping peacefully in her bed. 

I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your Name, O Most High.

Christ In Me

in my huddle (a group of people committed to learning to live as Jesus lived) thinking about invitation and challenge, areas you are balanced or need to balance out. the question was posed, how is your family perceived.

one lady mentioned that she noticed she wasn't a homeschooling mom and therefore felt a sense of challenge, maybe internally

is that the kind of challenge i'm putting forth?

oh you don't eat healthy? oh you don't homeschool? oh you don't go to Kairos? challenge challenge challenge

let him who boasts boast about this, that he knows and understands Me

Christ in me Christ in me Christ in me the hope of glory You are everything

challenge does not mean, look at me and see where you fall short. invitation does not mean, come to me because i have all your answers and can help you or fix you or i'm perfect and learn from me.

let me be challenging because of Christ in me

that what you are challenged on in your own life has nothing to do with my perceived good works or good choices or healthy habits, but Jesus in me calling out to You. your life being challenged by the existence of a very real God who i have a personal relationship with that is calling out to have a relationship with You. to come into right standing with Him

to measure your life by Him

if you get too close to me i will let you down
just know that

i am sorry if i have ever put needless guilt on you or anyone else

why do i homeschool? because i think that is the only Bible ordained way to raise my children? no, i homeschool because we live a very full life and i value down time with my children and noah. we take mondays off. couldn't do that if the girls were in school. i love to teach the girls. it works for our schedule this year.

why do we eat healthy? ember. we do feel better.

why did we plant Kairos and why are we doing things this way? huddles mcs etc? because we are trying our best and feel God's called us to it. it's not the only right way. it's not the only right church.

there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

few scattered thoughts from this evening's Worship Gathering...

-Tonight was so refreshing and yet I'm sure, uncomfortable for many of us. The word "family" can bring up so many feelings, sometimes positive, sometimes negative.
-I'm grateful for the extended family that we are given in Jesus....experiencing the joy and rest that comes from having a guest worship team, Chris, Alex and Danny from The Edge and our guest sound guy Diego from The Highlands while Brett is recouping. You guys really helped set the atmosphere for vulnerable worship.
-In a family, forgiveness is key....and so is saying "I'm sorry". Is this an area you need to move forward in? I'm praying for you. It's scary, it may be the hardest thing you do, but from personal experience I know it's one of the most liberating and healing things you can do not only for yourself but for your family.
-I am so very, very, very thankful for my Kairos Family. This has been such a unique experience for me, gaining so many close friends in the last three years. Not just from worshipping together on Sunday nights, but really getting to know each other throughout the week in our discipleship groups and serving together in our Neighborhood Churches. This community is truly one of the greatest joys of my life.
-I yearn for each person attending our Worship Gatherings and Neighborhood Churches that is looking for connection and community to find it here with us.
-...But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him....
-And, how He loves us. heart emoticon

to Kairos (Nov 2014): Bites of Brownies & Sacrifice

This weekend I was scheduled to bake for Kairos Quest. Normally I would have grabbed a baked good from the store (being pregnant, 3 little kids and lots of Sunday responsibilities makes weekend baking difficult) but due to our family's ever growing dietary restrictions, baking from scratch is our best bet. As I stood over the stove, shifting my weight from right to left and willing the baking chocolate to melt faster, thoughts of mothers and fathers thousands of years ago began to play in my mind. 

How many pregnant women with full and bustling lives and less amenities to make life happen had spent their time preparing offerings to The Lord from the best their kitchens had to offer? There IS something to the sacrifice. The giving of your time, your money, your skill your best. And even still, God is looking for this heart condition: O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken an contrite heart, o God, you will not despise. 

I have been thinking on this passage for a couple of weeks now. I prayed for myself yesterday to bake with a joyful heart, despite what would not get done around our home. I prayed for each little mouth that would bite into these brownies, that they would hopefully enjoy the taste of gluten free healthiness 😬, but most of all that they'd feel a sense of Gods love and get to encounter Him at our worship gathering. I prayed for our volunteers and our teachers and for future volunteers as well. And I prayed for all of you coming tonight, that the heart condition would be what matters most, for it is what makes the most of any encounter with God, be it prayer, worship, serving, or actively listening to the message. 

❤

Time

We have officially entered the season of Lent and many in our community from young to old are fasting beverages or facebook or sleep or any other number of comforts the Lord has impressed on hearts to sacrifice for more of Him.

Throughout these weakness-revealed 40 days, our Sundays' Worship Gatherings bring a heightened sense of celebration and relief as we break our fast for 24 joyful hours and thankfully acknowledge God and all that He has done for us.

It is in preparation for tonight's celebration that I find myself ruminating on a passage from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts...

Thank God for the time, and very God enters that time, presence hallowing it. True, this, full attention slows time and I live the full moment, right to outer edges. But there's more. I awake to I AM here. When I'm present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God. In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and ...holy.

 I have been fascinated with this word "present" as I find it quite elusive in my day to day life, yet it is a discipline He has called Noah and by association, myself, to pursue this year. Being present-minded for our children's sake and friends and family's sake has been a good and healthy endeavor, but it is also to encounter God at every turn....and it works. It's practicing the presence of God and it stretches and tames the unruly and running time, like God making the sun to stand still. 

Each time our church family gathers to worship, I pray for focus, for present-mindedness. For time to slow as we lay our burdens down and bow ourselves to our Creator. We will be singing these words of surrender tonight:

Lord as we turn to You, come free us from our sin.

We only have today, so let us now begin.

Lord as we give You more, Your Spirit swells within;

Cause You are Holy, Holy Lord

From dawn to dusk we're waking up...

Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender;

We come before You, lay our burdens down.

We look to You as our hearts remember: 

You are the only God,

You are our only God.

-From Dawn to Dusk

Come ready to celebrate. Come ready to encounter Jesus. Come ready see time stand still. 

The Train

There is something powerful about taking part in the unity of a crowd...

It's riding the wave with uninhibited concert goers as the music sweeps through and everyone sings the chorus at the top of their lungs. It's the members of a choir, breathing together and phrasing together and enunciating together, locked in to the conductor's swinging arm from the piece's start to it's finish. It's sitting at a desk in a classroom having a light bulb moment, connecting the information to reality, the teacher to the student and the students to each other. It's the poignant experience of the grieving crowd at a funeral who watches a life played out in a slideshow or the crowd in the waiting room as they celebrate the newest addition to the family. It's the room's response to Jesus after the prayer that seems to come from the heart of God Himself, touching each individual heart and the church as a whole.

This kind of captive, empathetic and participating audience always gives me the feeling of being on a train, headed to the same place, everyone sitting in the same car excited about the journey and engaged in the same conversation, viewing the same scenery albeit with different vantage points, and arriving at the same time. For those moments, everyone is present. The experience becomes significant and the unity gives a sense of strength and community. For those moments we are not alone.

This got me thinking of our Sunday Worship Gatherings...

Oh how I yearn for each moment we are together to be authentic encounters with Jesus, not just as isolated strangers but as a whole, as members of a family.

In singing, in giving our offerings of praise and money, in praying and listening and reciting Scripture, in setting up chairs and volunteering in the kids rooms, in advancing the slides and dimming the lights, setting out coffee and emptying trash cans, in greeting and handshaking and hugging and responding- in everything let us be of one mind and one heart. 

Jesus said (in John 17):

20 “I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."

The unity that Jesus speaks of transcends time and space and stretches to the days and places in between our weekly Sunday meetings. It's a unity of mission and beliefs and relationships with one another but I'm not sure we realize we should continue to pursue unity in our Worship Gatherings too! 

Let us resolve together to be unified in worship, fully present and fully engaged. Let's turn off our phones! Let's take every thought captive! We're singing a new song tonight about zeroing out distractions, focusing on God and letting down our walls.  The lyrics are simple,

"Come on my soul, 

come on my soul

Let down the walls 

and sing my soul

Come on, come on, 

come on, come on

It's time to look up"

Let us be unified so that Christ may be glorified and our brothers and sisters edified by our active participation in worshipping and responding to the Risen Lord.

...Come hop on the train. :)

Psalm 133:1

1 How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!